


Guns and Roses (Soundtrack for a chase)

by Enigel



Category: From Eroica with Love
Genre: Dorian being silly, M/M, Multimedia, Trust, Warning: Klaus' typical homophobic slurs, fake drama
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2008-03-08
Updated: 2009-06-20
Packaged: 2017-10-02 10:12:54
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 3
Words: 1,673
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/5201
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/Enigel/pseuds/Enigel
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>Four ficlets inspired by four songs from my first Eroica fanmix.</p><p>See the <a href="http://community.livejournal.com/schlosseberbach/110743.html">original post</a> for the full combination of fanmix and ficlets. Here's just the crack-flavoured fic and cover art.</p>
            </blockquote>





	1. I Hate Everyone

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> "I bet you think I'm kidding / But I promise you it's true / I hate most everybody / But most of all I hate / Oh, I hate you
> 
> All the people on the street, I hate you all / And the people that I meet, I hate you all   
> And the people that I know, I hate you all / And the people that I don't, I hate you all   
> And the people in the east, I hate you all / And the people I hate least, I hate you all   
> And the people in the west, I hate you all / And the people I like best, I hate you all   
> Oh, I hate you all" - _I Hate Everyone_, Get Set Go
> 
> "I'm jealous of your cigarette / And all the things you do with it / I'm jealous of your cigarette / And how you wanna suck on it / And not me" - _Jealous Of Your Cigarette_, Hawksley Workman

####  _01 I Hate Everyone_

"First I couldn't get any cigarettes. Then the traffic through this stupid city was stuck, then that idiot..."

"Which one?" Dorian interrupted irreverently.

"The CIA one. The idiot wanted my report on the mission and for me to fill out HIS paperwork! Me, Iron Klaus, to fill out paperwork!"

Dorian nodded absently.

"The idiot didn't even have cigarettes, stupid yanks and their stupid health obsession! Then the KGB idiot showed up, and now I owe him twelve good punches, and my jaw hurts."

"He got six punches on you?" Dorian couldn't refrain his surprise.

"No." The Major glanced sidewise at him. "I'm in an especially foul mood. I give back triple when I'm particularly pissed off."

Dorian proffered his cigarettes.

"Have one of mine, Major."

"Foppish, minty abominations!" Klaus said in horror, but he took one and lit it.

He inhaled deeply from the cigarette, then blew the smoke out in a long angry cloud.

"I hate them. I hate them _all_."

"All my cigarettes?" Dorian raised his eyebrows.

Klaus glared at him.

"All idiots, starting with you!"

"Ah." Dorian nodded dutifully.

The Major had been like this from the second they'd landed in Washington. American air really didn't agree with him.

"The Eastern ones are idiots. Our allies are trying to out-idiot them. My men are incompetent idiots. The yanks are... yanks."

Klaus puffed deeply, then looked suspiciously at the earl.

"And you. You're trying to get under my skin, aren't you, listening to my ranting, giving me your disgusting cigarettes? Stop being condescending to me!"

"Yes, dear," said Dorian meekly.

"Argh, stop this! I still hate you, you know. I hate you the most of all!"

"Glad to hear that, Major," Dorian said solemnly. "I'd hate to be lumped in with the masses."

"Hmph."

####  _02 Jealous Of Your Cigarette_

"Anyway, that's not why. No, Major, it's just..." he stopped.

"WHAT?"

"I like watching you smoke," Dorian confessed, lowering his eyes in false modesty. "I love it and hate it."

"What the fuck does my smoking concern you, idiot?"

The Major looked genuinely surprised. Oh, won't he have a surprise, thought Dorian wickedly, eyeing his escape routes.

"I love watching you do it, but I also hate and envy your cigarette," Dorian said in a conspiratorial whisper. "You see, I can't help thinking... wishing..." He wondered how much more explicit he would have to be when the Major's eyes widened in horrified understanding.

"You... You... You disgusting, shameless pervert! Are you trying to sully even smoking for me?"

The cigarette had fallen to the ground, and Dorian wondered if it would be too much if he picked it and took an ostentatious drag from it.

He took a step forward and the Major stepped back, like in a comedic tango.

"I'm going inside! It's unhealthy to stay here and listen to your perversions. At least the CIA aren't _degenerate_ idiots!"

Dorian watched his hasty retreat with a curious smile.

"Oh, Major. You think you're so untouchable. But then why are you running from me? One day I'll corner you, and there'll be no place to run."


	2. Side-story 1 - Never Be Free

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Dorian has a Clever and Dramatic Plan.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Any historical inaccuracies are just my ~~gaps of canon knowledge~~ Dorian's version of the truth. ;)

####  _01 Never Be Free_

"What the fuck is this now? Who did you steal this from?"

"Oh, I didn't steal this one, Major," Dorian said softly. "I inherited it."

"What kind of sick masochist would have their ancestor pictured dead by his archenemy?"

The conversation was going to plan so far, thought Dorian and allowed a small smile to bloom on his lips.

"It wasn't my ancestor, it was yours. He had this painted, and then he sent it to my ancestor's family, as a gift."

"Bloody pompous sick fuck. I knew I didn't like him."

Dorian hid his irritation. There were a bit too many curse words; it was marring the atmosphere of tragedy; but he pursued the plan.

"Benedict hated him too, but he also loved him. They had what you'd call a love-hate relationship." He glanced sidewise at Klaus, to see if his words made the impression he wanted. It was hard to say what the Major thought. He looked like he craved a cigarette.

"Just like I love and hate you, Major. You put me through more torment and pains than any other man I've ever loved. And looking at Benedict here..." he added before the Major could unleash a blue streak of words, "he looks peaceful, at least. Sad, but peaceful."

"He looks foppish and dead. Did you bring me here for a lesson of history or masochism?"

Dorian ignored the severely unromantic attitude and chose to answer the question like planned.

"I brought you here for a confession and a decision, Major, and please, for the love of tanks, would you let me finish? The confession is mine, and the decision will be yours."

He turned to the Major and, faster than lightning, he pulled out a knife and put the tip against his own chest. With his left hand he grabbed the Major's right one and wrapped it around the hand holding the dagger.

"I confess I will never stop pursuing you. No matter where, when or how, I'll keep hounding your steps, interfering with your missions," he emphasised the words, "every step, every country, every continent. You'll never be free of my love, until all you can think of is me. Until," he lowered his voice to a whisper, "until you either accept me or kill me."

Dorian held his breath, the tip of the knife a pointed reminder that his bluff had the slightest chance of going awfully wrong.

"So I'm giving you the chance to kill me now. There are only my fingerprints on the hilt. The angle should be roughly correct. It would look perfect," he laughed hollowly, "the romantic Earl dying for his unrequited love, history repeating itself in the shadow of the past."

He was really getting teary-eyed. It was so perfectly romantic, even if he did die today, by his own love's hand... He looked the Major straight in the eyes.

The Major's poker face was perfect, as usual.

"You forgot the other possibility," he said blankly.

The knife flew out of Dorian's hand, pulled by a force greater than nature's fury, and clanged to the floor.

"I MIGHT FUCKING KILL MYSELF TO GET RID OF THIS STUPID FAGGOTRY YOU KEEP DRAGGING ME IN! I'M SO SICK OF THIS DRAMA-QUEEN BULLSHIT! I'll take the knife and shove it into your fucking ass!"

The Major began shaking him by the shoulders and Dorian remembered to close his mouth, which had dropped open in sheer surprise.

He managed to pull himself out of the Major's grasp and began running, with the Major's furious shouts on his heels. Dorian covered his ears with his hands to shield himself from the ugly words, which were completely shattering the romantic atmosphere. He'd really hoped that faced with his demise or a lifetime of chase, the Major would finally realise and admit his true love! The Major really had no romantic bone in his body, he reflected while dodging a potted plant. Well, at least he'd implicitly accepted the idea of the lifetime of chase. His eyes sparkled at that and he turned to grin at his angry pursuer, just in time to intercept and rescue a precious ashtray he'd liberated from Salim.

  
  



	3. Side-story 1 - 44. Caliber Love Letter

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Holding Dorian hostage might not work out so well for Mischa the Cub...

####    
_02 44. Caliber Love Letter_   


"Stop it, Major," Mischa said cheerfully. "One more step and Mr. Eroica dies."

"And what makes you think I'd care about that?" Klaus advanced unflinchingly, gun still trained on the KGB agent's head.

"Major! Give me the other microfilm and I'll let him live."

"And why would I want that? He's not just a pervert and a shameless thief. He's a nuisance and a pest. He's," Klaus spat the word, "a liability. If you kill him you'll just spare me God knows how many more flunked missions and public embarrassments. If it wasn't for you," he was looking at Eroica now, "the KGB would never had got their paws on the microfilm in the first place."

"I don't believe you, Major. You're bluffing."

"Oh, am I?"

Mischa glanced briefly at the thief. Eroica's face was white as freshly fallen Siberian snow.

"In fact," the Major continued, "let me spare you the dilemma. Lord Gloria," he was looking Dorian straight in the eyes, "this is the last goddamn mission you fuck up for me."

Eroica was looking back at him.

"I still love you, Major," he whispered.

"If you loved me," neither of them had ever heard that particular growling tone before, "you wouldn't want me to fail my missions, would you? I'll spare you the guilt. This," he moved the gun a fraction, "is my love."

He pulled the trigger. Dorian felt the impact with distant surprise. It was really _violent_. Then the room was spinning and next he was staring at Mischa and the Major in the mirror that had been to his left.

"You're insane!" Mischa exclaimed, but Iron Klaus didn't give him time to react. He pulled the trigger again, and again. The heavy KGB agent went down screaming. Broken kneecaps hurt like hell.

"Are you all right, Lord Gloria?"

"Yes," said Dorian, "though there'll be a bit of a bruise for a while. Look..."

"Don't be indecent!" shouted Klaus.

"I just wanted to show you the bruise. I thought you'd want to have all the data for the new kevlar test," Dorian said slyly, glancing sidewise.

"You'll give all this information to our medics and technicians," Klaus said brusquely, then dragged Dorian to his feet. "Come on. I need a fucking smoke."

Dorian followed, smiling slightly.

"I could use one too. Mine seem to have become unusually flat, or blown to bits."

Klaus shoved the pack of cigarettes at him, without looking at Eroica's face.

Dorian circled him gracefully to stare him in the eyes.

"I knew I was perfectly safe, Major. I trust you."

Klaus took a deep drag from his cigarette and didn't reply. They smoked the rest in silence.


End file.
